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Saturday, November 16, 2002


Am I cynical?

Hey -- I heard that snortle!

There seems to be some disagreement amongst those who wish to label me, so I thought I should research the matter and give a definitive answer. Unfortunately, it proves not so simple!


  1. an adherent of an ancient Greek school of philosophers who held the view that virtue is the only good and that its essence lies in self-control and independence
  2. a faultfinding captious critic; especially : one who believes that human conduct is motivated wholly by self-interest

Well! I am beginning to see the source of the confusion--in fact, the etymology pretty much spells it out, doesn't it?

(Translated from Greek)

Cynic: Do you really think you ought to be drinking before your maiden flight?

1st Drunk: Gah, pooper head! [hic] You're bringin' me down, man.

Cynic: And wax -- why wax? Aren't you worried it'll melt?

2nd Dunk to 1st: Hey [hic] Icarus, who invited Captain Captious here? [barf...] Oh, sorry about the sandals, Cap'.

Cynic: Gah! [stomps off... squish squish squish squish...]

2nd Drunk: Pfft! What a downer that guy is. [whiney voice] "Aren't you worried it'll melt?" [hic] "Do you know where you're going to land?" [hic] "How come the left wing looks smaller than the right?" [hic] Bla bla bla. You go, Ick. Aim high!

Perhaps people mean to refer simply to my (apparently) negative outlook on humanity.

Is my outlook on humanity truly more negative than average, or is it that my hopes for humanity are more positive?

After years of attempting to un-subscribe from junk-mail (physical), the final bottleneck has been that the postman cannot be trained to refrain from stuffing my box full of crap even when none of it is addressed to me. But I have recently discovered this is not true! Postal workers are programmed to respond to the phrase "no coverage" (though it is apparently subconscious since few of them can tell you this when asked despite its ubiquitous effectiveness). A small sign with these magic words taped over the corner of the open mouth of my mailbox has successfully averted all bulk junk mail for over a month now! No more sifting through watermelon ads for my real mail.

I wonder if anybody has ever done pop-up-book style contraptions in their mail box? You know, so when the postman flips open the door, a big paper rabbit jumps out with a speech balloon saying "Hi Mr. Mailman! What do you have for me today!?". Probably give the poor guy a heart attack.

This week's favorite breakfast cereal: one chopped fuju persimmon, and a handful each of cranberries and walnuts. Mmmmm.

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Simon Funk / simonfunk@gmail.com