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Monday, April 17, 2000

Two Threads End, Many Tangle

I haven't written in a while as I've been terribly busy, caught in the endless spiral of fulfilling life's prerequisites. (Today I must run as I have to complete my taxes and post them... And then catch up on Megacorp work... and do my laundry so it can dry by the time I pack tomorrow... and call my bank once again to see if they've figured out how they lost $200... and call the plumbers to see if they've figured out how they lost all the records I need for my insurance... and on and on and on...)

Of random note in the last month:

Ally has apparently written me off because of Michelle, but naturally the guys Michelle is interested in have not written her off because of me. The great asymmetry of the sexes.

My mother died Saturday morning. Her husband called me afterward, more immediately than I at first realized as he surprised me in the middle of the conversation by saying "I am with her right now". Somehow I assumed he'd have waited until they took the body away before he called.

I wasn't sure how I would react when she finally actually died, since everyone assured me it would be a much bigger deal than I was expecting, but as it happened I was and am completely unscathed. Call it selfish, call it cold, but her death pales in comparison to my omnipresent awareness of my own eventual demise. Things come, things go, then everything goes.

I haven't told too many people because every time it occurs to me to mention it, I realize it will disturb them and create an awkwardness out of their resulting expectation of my own state and of their implied obligation to sympathize and all that. Things have gone so smoothly I wonder how much grief is normally caused most people by their friends as opposed to by the incident itself. The one thing that did bother me throughout was the prospect of her suffering at great length, but fortunately she took her own life in the end when her condition seemed to be steadily declining and her quality of life had become a net negative. I also feel for her husband-- what sadness I do have from this is in empathy for him, as she really was the love of his life and now he has none.

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