[<< | Prev | Index | Next | >>] Monday, February 21, 2000
Syncronous Failure
Hi Simon, Cynthia had to return to hospital yesterday when her chest began to have some drainage. It turns out that her previous procedure ("pleurodesis") to cement her pleura together failed, and that the space between the pleura is infected with several liters of infected fluid. She is Now in the nearby hospital in Crescent City California ("Sutter Coast") and may have some additional tests and procedures today. Don
Hi Simon,I don't know what I want, or what to do. In one sense I'm in love with you, and in another I think I need to get away. In many ways you've made my life much better, and in others its become so much more difficult, and less enjoyable because of the constant incremented judgement and criticism by myself and you. I feel like there are all of these rules that I need to abide by to be correct and perfect more so than that I'm doing something to make my life better, I'm trying to be perfect by your standards instead of doing, trying to find out, and being what I want, and I still don't know what that is, but having the perfect computer, or the right lightswitches or a perfectly divided phone bill don't figure into it very much. Right now I think I'd like to shed the weights that I'm feeling are being place on me and give myself a chance to relax, and not worry if I'm being productive or not, and spend my time persuing the things that interest me, like making pottery, woodworking, making computer graphics and web pages, without all of the inherited complications of a world which I did not build myself. I think I would handle complications much better if I found them myself, and had to deal with them by my own standards, with my self as the main concern. I think getting away from school will help a lot when that time comes.
I've often wanted to date other people, but decided against it, because I am crazy about you, and don't want to ruin things, since I know the disease aspect, along with the "what is she getting from him, and not from me" aspects would bother you, not to mention that there is a fair chance that you'd break up with me if I did sleep with someone else, mostly because of the disease aspect. Given the idea of greatly upsetting or loosing you for that experience, in the past I've decided against it. However, if the alternatives are ruining our relationship or not dating other people, then we might not have a truly open relationship in the first place. I would really like to stay with you, and have your child, but I don't know if I'll last until I'm ready. You are one of the only people who I trust and can communicate with, I don't want to loose you, but I think I need to take that chance and start dating other people. What are your thoughts?
-Michelle
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Simon Funk / simonfunk@gmail.com