Saturday, November 10, 2001

Ambivalence



Why do the pros and cons always seem to deadlock?

This new house I'm about to sign into for a year has been an insanely strong source of stress in my life. Franticly looking for roommates, answering my buzzing cell phone all the time and having to talk to and meet people who are totally frickin' insane. Then there are my friends, B and A, who have now agreed to move in, but the expense is too high -- this huge stress, the one of making this sort of decision, and commitment, is causing them anguish. I hate it. I thought I had found a good thing here. Ugh.

OK, a list then -- I hate a list. Pros and cons.

pros: view. location. expense. fast net. good neighbor. did I say view -- it's awesome.

cons: one year commitment. potential cat allergy for B. stressing A out. stressing B out.

and some more little details.

pros: it's usually very quiet here. all the pineapple you can eat when they're in season. nice kitchen, with garbage disposal and dishwasher. good water pressure.

cons: they just cut the surrounding trees so that now the bedrooms are exposed to the neighbors view (but there are shades). humming fridge. chemical smell left from either the fumigator or the de-cat-ifier stuff that was sprayed on the carpet (I think I'll have to steam clean it myself).

But the main thing I don't like is that I'm stressing out B and A -- I feel like I'm twisting their arm, pressuring them to come. And I hate that. A part of me just wants to say "fuck it" and go buy a van to live out of when I'm not sleeping in my bamboo hut out in the jungle. And that part is gaining ground. But I LIKE the house. At least I will when I get rid of the smell, and the trees grow back. :(

Oh hell, I just helped my friend downstairs install the cable modem -- and committed to splitting it three ways, since I thought our moving in was a done deal.

I'm just very unhappy to be stressing out friends all around.

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